Two years later we returned to PREG with IVF on our minds.  Again, we were hopeful.  We went through the IVF class where my husband learned how to give me shots.  Where we learned everything we needed to know.  IVF- here we come.  It wasn’t easy.  The shots hurt.  The medications made me sick.  But in the end, it was worth every poke, every morning of waking up at 4am to make the three hour trip.  In the end, I got a positive blood test.  In the end, our first IVF worked.  I was going to be a MOM!

In January 2008, my son was born…8 long years after my husband and I first began trying for a baby.  I wouldn’t wish the road we walked on anybody.  But we made it through it.  With PREG’s help, and God’s blessings, we had a baby.  And I’m thankful for him every day of my life.

Dr. Payne was featured on Fox 21 News discussing diet and male infertility.

Dr. Payne was again featured in an article by the South Carolina Medical Association about “White Coat Wednesdays” at the State House.

Dr. Nichols spoke to FertilityAuthority was featured in a great article on diet and male infertility.

And the BIGGEST news of all…

PREG has been listed in the Top 20 IVF Clinics in the US!!!

Society places a plethora of standards on us as married couples. These standards bring  many stresses, fights, unforeseen crisis and sometimes conditional love . One of the main standards that affect couples is when we are supposed to have kids. Those who marry young have a couple of years to wait and then there are those of us who wait until later in life to get married, like late twenties. Laughing out loud here. Like this is late in life. I pray to live to be in my nineties. My soul, in the bible people were having babies in their nineties. Boy, have times changed… Well, back to those of us who married later in life. We have to get started right away because most of our friends have children already so we keep getting that nagging question, “So when are you guys going to have kids?” I believe we all have been there at one time or another- young or old.

A man has to deal with his friends saying, “So what’s going on man? You guys need to get moving and have a few kids!” Being the macho man (that most men are) the general reply is, “We are working on it!” or “Just taking our time.” Don’t get me wrong, I know trying is fun, but then 6 months go by– and then a year –with no luck.  You find yourself scratching your head and wondering… Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us? Are we doing something wrong?  You revisit the birds and bees to make sure you are doing everything right. You pull out your calendar, look at charts, and find stuff online. You have the conversations while in line at Target as women tend to feel free to share the old wives tales of what you can do.  You hear everything from turkey basters to standing on your head. Then after all the odd male and female conversations that each of you have dealt with, you are left with that awkward conversation with each other…what do we do now? I guess looking back, that was probably the easiest part of the process. But, don’t forget that there are some who just keep everything private and deal with it alone.

One thing we all can attest to is that infertility has no boundaries, it does not discriminate based on sex, race, creed or religion. It affects all of us in some way. Many of us have to live with it, some of us have to live through it and then there are those who have lived along side it. Some are lucky enough to know the cause, while some never know why.

One thing that we are unprepared for is that period of crisis after discovering that the journey of infertility is upon us–starting the awkward process of fertility treatments…the questions, decisions, money, loans, second mortgages, and how long can you hide it from your friends and family. Do we really want to do this? Should we adopt first?  There are so many thoughts and conversations that others have no clue about. The spiritual questions may arise– God says to be fruitful and multiply. Most women have that God given urge to have children and then in a flash it could be no more.
Then there is that first real office visit. I can remember my first visit in the office (for “my” testing.) Sitting in the waiting room looking around and knowing what would be expected of me in a few short minutes. Picking up the magazine so I don’t have to make eye contact with others. Suddenly it is my turn to go back.  The nurse takes me to “that” door, gives me the layout of the room, and directs me to “the drawer” and identifies the visual aids. Now I am really embarrassed. So, being a cowboy who farms, I politely look at her with a smile and say “Thank you, but do you have any tractor magazines?” We both ended with a laugh. I guess as I have looked back over the years at the whole process– the defense mechanisms we put up can be endless. Some couples or spouses are very open and share with others and some are very private and prefer not to make their struggles public knowledge.

 
For many who have an outgoing personality or need to seek the advice of outsiders, it is hard (but imperative) to respect the wishes of their spouse… which leads me to the grieving process of infertility. Most couples who are struggling with infertility often grieve alone. This can be made even more difficult if it is combined with the spiritual crisis that infertility may bring. In my years of pastoral counseling and research one of the most common questions I get is “What have I done for God to do this to me?” Being one who has built an academic career based on the journey of my own infertility, miscarriage experiences, and later only to live the horror of pre and post adoption care (or should I say lack of,) I have had my fare share of spiritual crisis and confusion. As a result of all of this, I find myself  buried, years deep in the research of identifying grieving processes for a plethora of crisis, traumas, losses leading to secondary losses. All of which stems from my own journey of infertility, miscarriage, and pre-post adoption care… 

My heart is to let you know that I understand. I have been there and I live with infertility and there is HOPE! Many of us have the desire to move forward despite of our circumstances. Moving forward takes work, understanding, and requires the help of others. We cannot do this alone. As for me, my faith and hope lies in Christ. He is there as our stories are being told. He has come along side us throughout the journey and He will carry us no matter what. He loves me despite all my imperfections and He loves us enough to carry that burden for us. It is my spiritual crisis that, most of all, intrigues me. But I will leave that for next time. In the end I have always been amazed at how God always pulls the plan together. I am just thankful I didn’t get in the way too much!

 Less than two years after Bryce was born, JJ and I decided to try again for another child.  After only two months, I was pregnant again.  Oh, how wonderful it was!  As a control freak, I was convinced “my plan” of timing out this pregnancy was just right.  Our second child would be born the same month as Bryce had been born, so if it was another boy, I wouldn’t have to buy a thing!  All of my maternity clothes would be in just the right seasons.  Needless to say, I had quite a false sense of control.

 As a couple of weeks passed, I just didn’t quite feel pregnant.  I never had the early pregnancy symptoms that I had experienced with Bryce.  I knew every pregnancy is different, but my gut told me something was wrong.  At seven weeks along, I began to spot.  When I first saw the slight bleeding, I didn’t panic, as I knew this could be implantation bleeding.  However, by the end of my work day, the bleeding was much heavier.  Full of questions, swollen eyes, and heavy hearts, JJ and I headed over to the emergency room. 

 We were shocked to experience cold, uncompassionate doctors who did not seem to understand that a miscarriage is not something we deal with on an everyday basis.  I do understand that these doctors see miscarriages everyday in their practice, but to a hurting mother who is in the process of losing a child, it is devastating.  A simple pat on the shoulder and a kind word would have been so appreciated.  We were even told, “We don’t do ultrasounds after five o’clock, so you will have to wait until the morning to see if your baby is still alive.” 

 Totally numb, we walked out of the hospital feeling worse than ever.  All night long, I waited for the cramping to begin, but it never did.  The next morning, our hope was renewed during the ultrasound when we saw a seven week old baby with a beating heart on the screen.  Oh, how we rejoiced!  That afternoon, I sat at my bedroom window for hours, begging God to save our child.

 By the next day, my bleeding got much worse, so we headed back to the doctor’s office.  Emptiness.  The screen was empty…totally black and dark.  Nothing was there.  Less than 24 hours before, our child was on that screen.  Now, there was nothing.

 JJ and I left the doctor’s office that day, holding hands with a heart full of questions.  “Where was our baby?”  “Why did this happened to our baby?”  “What caused this to happen to our baby?”  Our baby…

 Our friends and family did the best they could to comfort and support us.  But, oh…how people just say the wrong things to hurting moms who lose a child to miscarriage!  There are so many lies, myths, and misconceptions regarding miscarriages, and most people manifest those ideas in attempting to comfort a mom.  Many people said to me: “Oh, you were working too hard.”  “You have too much stress.”  “That child probably would have had health problems.”  And the worst statement, “You can have more children in the future.”

 I just wanted to scream at them…”But we wanted THIS child…handicaps and all.  Maybe I CAN’T have more children, but regardless, THIS one was taken from us and we WANTED it!”

 After my first miscarriage in February of 2009, I went on to experience four more losses in the next two years.  By the last two miscarriages, I never even bothered to go to the doctor.  I got very good at “dealing with it.”  I’m not just speaking of the emotional effects, but the physical effects on my body as well.  As soon as I would see spotting around five-seven weeks of pregnancy, I knew exactly what would happen with my body in the following week. 

 All five miscarriages were the same on my body, but EACH one was so different on me emotionally.  As every child is different, I was affected differently by each miscarriage.  My third miscarriage left the greatest impact on me.  One reason is because I carried it the longest.  The entire ten weeks, I knew to expect the worse.  I never had a single pregnancy symptom.  I knew my hormones were not high enough for me to experience the normal early pregnancy cues.  Since this baby was ten weeks along, when I passed it I was able to see my baby.  Yes, I saw a precious, sweet face that only a mother and God could love.  I saw the right and left sides of his little brain.  I saw his eyes.  I saw his nostrils.  I saw his mouth.  I saw the face of my child.

 This wasn’t just a “fetus” to me.  It was a baby.  A baby, who we later learned through genetic testing was a boy.  He was a child of God…a masterpiece created by the same God who rules the universe.  For reasons I’ll never understand this side of heaven, God chose to take that precious child from me.  But, I am comforted to know and believe that God loved this child as well.

  “From birth I was cast upon you; from your mother’s womb you have been my child.”  Psalm 22:10 

 “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you.”  Jeremiah 1:15

 During those terrible two years of five miscarriages, my biggest regret is not seeing a specialist earlier.  A lot of unnecessary heartache and pain happened because I never sought further help beyond my normal gynecologist. 

 In November of 2010, I was referred to Dr. Payne at PREG by my sister-in-law who was having trouble conceiving.  From the moment JJ and I sat down to meet with Dr Payne at the consultation, I felt comfortable.  With tears in my eyes, I told him our complete story and medical history.  He never talked over my head or in “doctor language.”  He was always very sensitive to the fact that we had lost five children.  I was not just another patient to Dr. Payne.  He knew me.  He knew my name, and he knew my story.  One day, he was introducing me to a new nurse and rattled off my entire medical history from the top of his head.  I trusted Dr Payne.

 Oh, Nurse Carolyn!  I’ve told her more than once that she is my best friend!  No one else in the world knew my cycle or my “timed relations” schedule like Carolyn!  I’ve never trusted a doctor or a nurse like I trusted Carolyn.  I actually still have her direct line programmed on speed dial!

 After many tests that all came back negative, it was finally determined that I was ovulating very late in my cycle.  I have long cycles, and I usually don’t ovulate until around days 21-25.  Dr. Payne formulated a “recipe” of medications for me in order to force my body to ovulate sooner.  In only one month, I went from ovulating on day 23 to ovulating on day 15.  JJ and I only prayed the medicine would work…and it DID!  Not only did I ovulate on time, but I am currently 24 weeks pregnant!  The day I graduated from PREG, Dr. Payne was more excited that me!  I even begged him to deliver this baby, but I eventually went back to a normal gynecologist!

 Miscarriage is a taboo subject.  Those of us who have experienced one or many miscarriages live in a secret society, as many women never tell anyone about their experience.  I too was very private while suffering during those two years of my losses.  But, I am now determined not to let my miscarriages be a secret.  God has healed my body and my heart.  He is giving me another child in January.  I want to shout from the rooftops what God had done in our lives. 

 In multiple aspects of my life, God had given me more trials in my 30 years of life than most people endure in a lifetime.  One common thread between all of my trials is that God continually gives me opportunities to share my experiences.  When I see how sharing my story encourages other hurting people, I know my pain was not in vain.  It is extremely healing for me to share my story so that other people may be encouraged during their journey.

 In January, I will see the face of another little baby boy.  A sweet gift of life.  Oh, how I pray I will never take his life for granted or forget that he had five siblings come and go before him.  He is a miracle.  “For this child I prayed; and the Lord answered my prayer.”  1 Samuel 1:27.

 Jeanna Beasley

We are so excited about our upcoming Baby Reunion!  If you have had a child (or children!) or are currently expecting a baby and you had a little help from us, you are invited!  Sign up or get more info here.

If you are struggling to acheive your dream of having a family and wondering what to do or where to start, let us help you!  Whether you are just thinking of seeking fertility help or are currently in treatment and  wondering what your next step should be, our free Infertility Seminar is for you.  You will recieve a $250 gift certificate just for attending.  The certificate can be used toward a consultation or for any in-office procedure/treatment.  If you live in the Upstate you can register or get more info here.  If you live in Western NC you can get more info or register here.

PREG is proud to announce that we have a new IVF financial assistance program, Fertile Help.  If your total income is less that $85,000 per year, you may qualify for a discount of 5-25% off of the cost of IVF.  Call one of our financial counselors at 864.232.7734 to see if you qualify!

I learned a couple of things the hard way. 

1. Don’t continuously ask when someone is going to have children.  My husband and I had a couple that we were close to and spent a lot of time with.  They were a little younger than us, but not by much.  We adored them and our children begged to spend time with them.  Since my husband and I are both only children, this couple filled the roles of aunt and uncle for our kids.  I inquired several times about them having children of their own…they would make great parents!  I was always told, “soon” but after a while (and lots of prodding) she broke down and blurted out that they had been trying for almost 2 years and that my asking (along with everyone else in their lives) was NOT helping things!  I felt terrible.  Luckily, after a while, they finally gave in and went to a specialist and had a beautiful baby boy.  As a matter of fact, they just recently added a second sweet boy to their family!

2. Don’t complain about your pregnancy. I learned this lesson in 2 very different ways.  Before I was pregnant with my daughter, I had a good friend announce her pregnancy and immediately wanted to plan baby shopping trips and lunches with me.  I was devastated.  My husband and I had been trying for months and, as happy as I was for her, I just felt bitter and left out.  Like I was getting left behind.  Her complaints of morning sickness made my heart ache.  She carried a copy of What To Expect When You Are Expecting with her to work and discussed the current style (or lack there of) in maternity clothes…I despised her.  Why not me?  Fortunately, it wasn’t long before I was expecting and was able to join in the celebration-so to speak.  You think I would have remembered how that felt when, 4 years and 2 kids later, I find out that I was going to have a third bundle of joy.  Ummm, what?  Three kids?!?  I didn’t want three kids!  I had a girl and a boy and I was done!  God has an amazing sense of humor.  After spending so much time praying for both of my children (and getting them), He decided to bless me with one that I hadn’t even asked for!  Now let me say, that 9 years later, my third child is the cutest, sweetest, smartest, funniest (and most spoiled) boy that anyone could ever ask for, but at the time…oh, my.  I’ll be honest (this is just between me & you, right?)–I was DEVASTATED.  I cried.  And then I cried some more.  I complained about every single nuance of the pregnancy with anyone who would listen.  I made it very clear to everyone that 2 children was and that this pregnancy was not convenient for me.  Unfortunately, there were 2 women that I had become close to who were both struggling with infertility.  Now, in my defense, I did not know this.  I don’t know why women choose to hide this particular issue when we will share so much about other things.  Either way, my behavior was quickly reprimanded when one of them informed me that they would give anything to be able to have the “problem” that I had.  Ouch.  I don’t know if I have ever felt so very guilty/sorry/horrified over my attitude.  I changed my tune–well not really, but I learned to keep it to myself.  You never know what someone around you is experiencing.  So even when some wise@** would crudely remark, “haven’t you figured out what causes that yet?” I would smile weakly and turn away.

Yes, I learned some lessons on both end of the spectrum.  I was glad to see this article on correct etiquette when speaking to some one struggling with infertility.  I think we all need the occasional reminder to mind our manners and remember that you don’t know what some one’s mindset/situation may be. 

Have you experienced some of these situations?  On either end?  Go to our Facebook page and share your infertility etiquette story…what was the worst/hurtful thing said to you?  What has helped you to be encouraged?

Sometimes conditions such as poor ovarian function or low sperm count dictate that there will be no child with characteristics of either you or your husband…much less Uncle Howard or Grandma Rose.  It’s just not possible to have a child of your own.  Or is it?

If you are able to rethink your definition of parenthood, there are other possibilities for becoming a family.  Allow yourself the time to grieve for the imagined child, then if you believe parenthood consists more of loving all the “firsts,” making pb & j for lunch boxes, and picking out just the right dress for the dance and less about biology you really do have other options.  Donor eggs/sperm, embryo adoption, or even traditional adoption may provide a new and rewarding avenue for growing your family. 

So where are you?  Have you considered any of these options…or are you currently in the process of one of them?  Go to ourFacebook page or leave a comment here to share your thoughts with us and others who are struggling.

Stay focused on your goal to be a mother (or father!)

“It gets hard, and you want to give up, but don’t.  I always felt that God had placed the desire to be a mother in my heart for a reason.  When the poor diagnoses began to come in regarding our infertility situation and I realized the enormity of what we were pursuing, it was easy to feel down.  Even in the setbacks of failed treatments and delays for various reasons, I had to keep a positive result in sight and remind myself that the achieved goal would be will worth the effort to get there.  After I let myself have a few pity parties and get past the unfairness that achieving parenthood would not be easy, I was open to becoming a mother through whatever plan God had in store, whether that be through infertility treatments or adoption.”

Take care of yourself

“Exercise, eat well, get frequent pedicures/massages or whatever little luxuries you can afford that make you feel good and stay positive.  Your future children need you to take care of yourself now so you can be prepared to be a great mother (or father!) later.”

“Enjoy other children in your life if you can, but don’t feel bad if you have to remove yourself from certain situations because it heightens the emotional pain of infertility.  Taking care of yourself physically is important, but your emotional and mental health is also extremely important as your body undergoes its own stresses during treatment.  If you can’t go to a friend’s baby shower, it’s okay.  If you have to skip Mother’s Day or Father’s Day activities, it’s okay too.  My husband and I had volunteered in our church’s nursery for several years, but the emotional stress of people saying “don’t you look like a natural” or “when are you going to have one in here?” became too much to bear, and we made a wise choice to remove ourselves from that position during our infertility treatment.”

Take advantage of alternative therapies to aid your medical treatment

“I wanted to do as much as I could to help my treatment be successful.  The process of infertility treatment can be physically and emotionally trying, therefore your doctors may recommend some alternative therapies to help you.  Some methods are even thought to increase success rates.  I received acupuncture therapy; I was already resolved to the fact that needles could help me, so maybe a few more could assist the medicated ones!  I also enjoyed massage therapy, participated in an infertility support group and even tried hypnosis, which opened up the mind/body connection that many doctors agree aids in the success of fertility treatments.  Though some of these therapies sounded strange and over -the-top, I was willing to do whatever it took and am so glad I was open to trying new and different things.”

Enjoy time as a couple

“Don’t forget that you are husband and wife and not just teammates trying to win a prize.  Because your focus when undergoing infertility treatment is consumed by the thought of that blessed end result, you can sometimes forget the love and joy that made you want to be parents together in the first place.  Depending on the cause of infertility, each of you can also be facing internal emotional struggles as well, but neither should face them alone.  Though you are both working toward a common goal, the ultimate victory is that you nurture a loving family, and that starts with your marriage.  Let facing the difficulties of infertility together make you stronger as a couple so you can be stronger parents because of the unique bond you’ll share.”

“Most of all, don’t stop believing that miracles do happen!  Sure, you may encounter some unexpected things along the journey, but dream anyway and keep the faith.  I believe that each child is a miracle, but through the journey of infertility, some of us just get to be more aware of the true miracle parenthood is and become more appreciative because of it.  My husband and I know each moment with our son is little miracle in itself and look forward to hopefully building our family with the help of our doctors at PREG soon.”